Forgot to type an entry for a while and have been scribbling notes on bits of paper.
I started Thursay talking to myself all morning before I had to go to Mums & Tots.
I lenjoyed Mums and Tots and like chatting to the Mums there.. It still makes me a little nervous talking to people.. I think its that I suddenly become so self aware. I noticed that I was putting my hand up to my face a lot as I spoke to them.
At the weekend I managed to forget to take my son to his football practice on Saturday morning. It was a beautiful day as well.. I woke up feeling postive and took all the kids down to the local country park for a long walk. It was only the day after I remembered he had football. I had even bought him new football boots last week!
I also forgot an event at a local park that was on Sunday and Mayday - I opened my diary today to find and advert for it slotted in.. I remember thinking how good it was and its a real shame I forgot about it.
Monday I felt really down, it was raining and I had no idea what to do with the kids.. I was really bored (If only I had remembered that event eh?) and tired. My 2 yr old got really hyper in the afternoon and it started getting to me so I made her play in her room for a while to avoid me feeling angry with her.
I went to make the kids tea but just ended up pacing and talking. I imagined a Drs appointment, telling them about my relationship with my daughter. I feel like I don't like her a lot which upsets me and maybe I am making her dislike me. I don't want to end up like my Mum.
I felt like I was going mental inside and was angry about feeling alone and having no support. I noticed the house was getting messy again and I can't seem to pull myself together right now.
I feel like when Drs meet me they will think I am fine but they don't know whats going on inside. I feel so out of control and everyone just see's the normal mask I put on. Can anyone tell?  I'm sure it must show.
I wrote yesterday that I hate myself.. I often feel this way.. M came in and started reading the scrap of paper I had been writing on. He must have seen that I had written that but said nothing.
Like that night I tend to wander round in circles with my mind in limbo when I'm supposed to be doing something like make tea. I always think ahead as well rather than what I am supposed to be doing at the time, thats why I make mistakes a lot and am clumsy.
I eventually started making the kids tea but I was then thinking about how desperately I wanted to switch on the computer and get started writing some notes for my Drs appointment.
My mind was really going for it last night. I know when its extra bad. I was pacing lots wondering what I was supposed to be doing and putting things away in the wrong places.
I worry about the family.. I'm sure I will eventually kill someone by just not concenttrating. Leave the gas on, burn the house down or fall down the stairs with one of the kids. I bet it worries M as well.
This morning I haven't felt much better. My mind was thinking a lot as I walked to school and my son complained i wasn't talking to him. this was because I wanted to remember everything I was thinking about and knew I would forget so I repeat key words over and over in my mind to remember.
I was also thinking about how, when I was younger, I worked with kids and always told I was good with them, It makes me think now that I am not good with kids at all.. I just am one. I have had a lot of feelings recently that I don't feel my age inside and that makes me pretty irresponsible. I act like a child..especially emotionally.
Went shopping this morning which was good for getting out of the house. I have started feeling really depressed again these last few days.. I wonder if I am hormonal right now. I have always gotten worse before a period is due, the trouble is I can't tell when that is anymore as I had a contreceptive implant fitted and now my cycle is all over the place.
I have been feeling worried about my relationship as well today. M is off on the next few days and I always look forward to the company but then get down because he is so negative towrds me.. He constantly complains and moans about me. I know I am hard to live with but it makes me sad being told I am rubbish all the time. He says it is my fault he moans. If I wasn't so rubbish he wouldn't need to. He was maoning at me earlier about me calling to him from the kitchen when he had just fallen asleep on the sofa (yeasterday) and I must have glared at him for moaning again because he asked "how come when you do something wrong that makes me the bad guy?". .
Well, I am always doing something wrong aren't I .. how does he put up with me?

Okay.. so this is today. today has been okay. Just kinda milled around the house trying to get things done. Well mainly doing as much as possible because I feel guilty about spending too much money on Secondlife.
Thats another problem I have by the way. I am a compulsive spender. My husband has now confiscated my credit card and we have had much more money to save since.
On the way to school this morning I didn't really want "people" so tried to keep my head down. First though I ran into a woman from the village and her kid and I found myself staring at the kids shoes and thinking they looked like some my kid had. So much so that she muct have noticed (me standing there staring blatantly at her kids feet) and said "ooh she just fell over!" I wondered why she said that then noticed her kids legs were muddy - she must have thought that was why I was staring. "Oh dear!" I said and scurried off embarrased.
I Also managed to walk past another woman twice on my school round. Someone I didn't want to make conversation with but knew to well to ignore. The first time I got by with just a "hiya" but the next time I felt I had allready used that one and should say something more. I wanted to scurry past, head down but knew it would be rude so just said hi again and mumbled something about the weather. Feeling strangely self aware as I often do when talking to people.

Here is some stuff that happens when I'm with others:
I stare at people
I point and talk loudly about others (my friends have said I do this)
I avoid people for no reason
I will make new friends then ignore them
I get nervous talking to people
I get embarrased and think I've said something stupid
I say the wrong thing or muddle my words
I feel they don't like me or think bad things about me
I don't know what to say and go blank
I don't return calls or emails
I say yes when I mean no
I say things that aren't true without meaning to, usually when its suggested
I go over conversations and mull over encounters in my head

People are difficult. Its fair to say I'm not a people person

I've been chewing my nails loads recently. more than usual.

I'll quickly add as a bit of history I have been going to mental health clinic with regards to ADD for sometime and seemingly gettiing nowhere. Basically I had 10mins woth of consultation every 3 months or so (2 out of 3 I would forget) and everytime it would be a new Dr who had no idea why I was there. helpful.
Recently though there has been some major progression. I was told by a Dr I don't like that I could not be helped unless I agreed to go on a stress management course. I couldn't however as I need to care for my children. The Dr made me an appointment with the lady who runs the courses to assess my suitability for stress management. She seemed to think stress was a small part of a bigger picture and to help me declared that the course was not the best option. I then saw another Dr at my next appt (of course) who said I needed to see an ADD specialist but I would need to have assessment before I could be referred. My main Dr (who I don't like) agreed to this and I received a letter with an appointment for the assesment.
A few weeks later however I suddenly get a letter through announcing I have been referred to an ADHD specialist in Leicester and have an hour consultaion with them. This consultation is due next month - sooner than my assessment was to take place.
I have no idea why they have just suddenly referred me without an assesment first.. can't be bothered maybe? who knows.
Anyway I am really pleased but also nervous about this appointment. wish me luck!

Had something happen to me tonight that hasn't happened in a while.
I occasionally get some sort of "panic attack" I usually just call them episodes as I have no idea what they are.
They are usually brought on by some seemingly mild conflict, tonight was a disagreement with my husband (M).
 I had brought up with him earlier in the day about us going out on a Friday and seeing a friend of mine. Later when we were in bed I asked him again what he thought of that idea.
 He was annoyed with me as he had felt I had told him we were going out that night and presumed he would be fine with it (again there is some history here and reasons he may not be fine with it that I won't go into now) I was sure I had asked him if we could go out on the Friday (not just told him we were) but as usual I can never remember exactly what I said.
 M said he couldn't remember what I said either but I definately had not asked him any questions.
 Maybe I had said "we could go out on Friday" rather than "can we go out on Friday". who knows.
 Anyway this disagreement obviously wasn't going anywhere but I wanted to get clear in my head exactly what was said and M was getting more and more annoyed that I was still talking about it.
I eventually just said "I've stopped" but my head was reeling. I hate leaving things unresolved in my mind.
I cried in bed and M said to go to sleep so I snuck downstairs to cry.
Thats when I started getting hysterical. I feel like all the anger, stress, sadness and fear just errupts. I felt like I needed to scream or break something. I hit the cushions on the sofa really hard and started hyperventilating. I repeated sentances and feelings over and over out loud. I can't really describe how I felt. like I said, so many emotions at once. I know I felt afraid, as I always do when M is angry with me. I know I have no reason to though. I felt angry as I couldn't defend my self in the argument. and I felt upset as I didn't mean to do anything to make M annoyed with me as he so often is.
I felt completely out of control and it does scare me.
The last time this happened was over 4 months ago, maybe more. I'm not sure how often it happens but in the past I have always hit myself when it has. this time I didn't.
M came down and comforted me which was what I needed. He made me breathe slowly and calmed me down. He told me I should trust him to help me and not go and hide.

I often say the wrong thinsg and use the wrong words in conversation. But the slightest word out of place can have such an impact.
Like if I said "you don't appreciate it" instead of "you don't acknowledge it" is presuming you know how someone feels. I make this sort of errors all the time.
The main problem when we argue about  things that have been done or said is that I can't remember my side of the story! so I can't stick up for myself. Where do I stand?. I am the forgetful one so I therefore must be the one that got it wrong. It never gets admitted that maybe they were the ones who got it wrong. Maybe they misheard me.
The same applies when things go wrong or gets lost.  I am the perfect scapegoat.

23rd April 2009
I feel sorry for my kids having such a forgetful Mum. My 6 yr old asked for a juice when he came in from school, I told him to wait till I had sorted some other things out and of course I forgot. He asked me again much later and I felt really bad.
 My 2 yr old asked for some of her easter egg and I told her she had to finish her sandwich first, then I forgot that and she went without.
Next I made tea. I was late making something so decided on fishfingers and chips as a quick easy option, I put them in the oven then forgot and burnt them so dinner was late.
I always forget stuff so I really need to get things done at the time I think of them and not procrastinate. The problem is I get cross if people tell me to do things or when to do things so its hard for my husband to help me.
I had Mums and Tots this morning, Its my job to arrange the craft. As usual I left planning the craft till 45 mins before I am due to arrive there. I am lucky I can think up craft ideas quite quickly but getting the supplies ready - and making sure I have the supplies is always a bit of a panic.
I felt down in the evening, partly due to me pitting on weight as I keep binging on sugar when I get tired. I went to bed early for once as I haven't felt like playing secondlife this week (feeling a bit anti social).

24th April
Remembered this morning my son has spellings at school, I forgot to practice with him and we had a week to do it in.
Took my girls for another walk, this time to feed the ducks. I hope this new walking thing lasts!
Got home and need to do housework. I started procrastinating straight away by writing in my diary.
I had to get things done so I used my 3rd person tecnique. I often tell myself what needs to be done from another persons point of view. I either pretend / daydream I am on a reality tv show,  that I am working as a cleaner or I am a "home organisation" expert. Its funny how this "other person" knows what to do, how to do it and in what order when it is just me!

I started this as a diary but of course I forgot to write in it then lost it and ended up writing entries on scraps of paper. So as I have now decided to continue on LJ I'll start by writing some past entries then I'll be where I am now and I may even get round to explaining more about who I am and what the hell I am writing this for.

22nd April 2009
 Made a plan at the weekend to go walking more often, apparently exercise is good for ADD (as it is for most things).
 I took my two girls to a local country park, we went on quite a long walk but I felt good about it.
 I was good with the girls, I have been quite patient recently, until my 2 year old announced she needed a wee then decided she didn't after I had got her completely undressed in the middle of the woods. I shouted at her and smacked her on the bum. It wasn't a painful smack but still an example of me losing my control. I don't even believe in smacking. Then, as I was cross and upset, I started talking angrily out loud, saying " thats what we do to liars, we smack them, thats what M says but I bet he would never smack his precious baby girl" and some other similar rants.
(To know what I meant by that I would have to explain previous events that I would rather not, but basically when I get upset about one thing it brings out upset that happened sometime ago)
 I would like to state that I have never hurt any of my kids, and the smack was light. but I am still not proud of myself when I can't keep my cool and have outbursts like that. Its not fair on them and I know they get scared when I am angry. This is one thing I want to stop.
 This incident was very brief and after I apologized to my little one and cuddled her we went on our way and felt positive again.
 Got to a local cafe after walking a long way and sat down at a nearby picnic bench. I had a sip from a water bottle and gave my 2 yr old her juice cup. I was going to have a tea at the cafe but forgot my purse. A woman came running out of the cafe to tell me I wasn't allowed to sit there unless I bought something from the Cafe.
I felt so upset by this as I was tired and wanted to keep my children away from the canal (there was no where else to sit and there were no other people). I made it obvious I was pissed off and grumbled loudly " Go play my the canal kids maybe you'll fall in!" for the waitresses benefit. I said "for F's sake" a few time then added "Bitch" loudly as I stormed off.
 After that I started blubbing as I walked along and talked out loud to myslef for some time about what happened, having to explain to my 2 year old I was not cross with her and hiding my face from passers by. Typical of me to make a mountain out of a mole hill.
Still felt tired when I got home. I managed to lose my jumper somewhere while I was out.